Sexy Suki says
What? Take two novels on holiday (or into the shower)? A funny one and a sexy one? You need the all-in-one erotic comedy“The Pussy Pendulum.” It’ll tickle your fancy and leave you with nice hair too.
Change your life with this
no-holes-barred roller-coaster ride to Sexual Armageddon. I have a pussy that swings both ways. Find out how I cope with a Belfast family, all of whom want to have sex with me!
You’ll be laughing as you get turned on or maybe get turned on as you laugh. See, already your life is changing and it’s just Tuesday!
Thus spake Suki …
*My boyfriend says there's no magic between us anymore. So he wants me back doing tricks. He can saw me in half first.
*I asked him for his opinion of my novel. He said that it's worthless. I said I knew but I still wanted to hear it anyway.
*I asked my boyfriend where he was taking me on Valentine's night. When he said on the kitchen floor I remembered why we were a couple.
*First he brushed my arm, then he brushed my breast and shortly afterwards my cheek. It's the little touches that make the difference, I say.
*I sent my boyfriend a "Get Better Soon" card. He's not sick, just not very good in bed.
*I got a gold ring for my boyfriend. I thought it was a good deal.
*A guy in the bar really annoyed me last night. He didn't so much as look at me once.
*As I was going over the Cork and Kerry mountains I saw Colin Farrell, his money he was countin'. He still couldn't afford me though.
*I had a boyfriend who was psychic. He dumped me before we met.
*I had another boyfriend who was psycho and vegan. He stabbed me in the shower with a carrot.
*Last year I thought I was dating "The One". That turned out, however, to be on a scale of one to ten.
*A young man once got three broken ribs, two black eyes and a busted nose fighting for my honour, but I was determined to keep it.
*I made my boyfriend put on a taffeta dress and go for a walk in the country. The police did him for rustling.
*I never need to diet. When my aunt kisses me her tongue goes so far down my throat that ... too much information?
*And the Oscar for best original screenplay goes to ... Suki Jensen-Ramirez. That's when I woke up. I can say I've slept with Ellen though.
*I saw her dancing at a hen night. It could only be described as poultry in motion.
*My friend has a small apartment right beside the zoo. Only problem is she doesn't know what to do about the elephant in the room.
*When the cleaner saw her flat covered in half-eaten buns and giant turds she was brought up on a trunk and disorderly charge.
*She said I was invading her space but that was still no reason to fire all those ray guns at me, even playfully.
*Just had a bowl of cock-a-leekie to leave me cock-a-hoop. A nice little cocktail dress and I'll feel cocksure. I'm not obsessed or anything.
*"How can you be an erotic writer and not know anything about sin tax?" she asked. "Is that like a VAT on oral?" I squirm.
*I had six speed dates last night and felt guilty afterwards. Maybe I should have slept with the sixth one as well. Dozed off during 1 to 5.
*My acupuncturist and my sex therapist drive me crazy. One bombards me with tiny pricks and the other sticks lots of little needles into me.
*No post dating - after death I don't want an autopussy with loads of medical students necromancing me in the morgue.
*I joined the Karma computer dating agency. You don't get what you want, just what you deserve. Anybody want an old Amstrad?
*Never have sex with your best friend. Next day I couldn't look at him. I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't throw sticks for him to fetch.
*Don't you hate it when people sneak up behind you at the keyboard? Peas xcuuse th wrotung
*The next person to poke me on FB will be the last until the next person to poke me. I love being poked. It has another meaning in Ireland.
*I don't like Belgian kissing. That's French kissing but more phlegmish.
*After school I wanted to be a female private investigator but they said I'd have to train as a doctor before specialising in gynaecology.
*Went to a nudist wedding. No trouble working out who was the best man - the rings were on a string around his neck.
*A guy made love to me in a packed Jewish temple. There was an audience at the sin, agog!
*Love is ... never having to stay your surrey ... Go for that romantic coach ride.
*Love is ... never having to essay your sorcery... The magic just happens automatically.
*Love is ... never having to précis your story ... Outside the Twitsphere you can choose the length you prefer.
*Love is ... never having to sway your sari ... at least for the waiters in the Taj Mahal.
*My love is like a red, red nose. Oh, Rudolph, don't leave me, you rutter. I was only the stripper at his stag night but I needed the bucks.
*Rudolph told me I was dear but not deer enough. Landseer took some snaps. They're all I have left, apart from Dancer, Prancer, Donner, ...
*Those guys with the antlers really sleigh me. No, Blitzen, I won't wear a harness. I'm holding the reins. It's written in my Santa clause.
*For the female Russian airline pilot her love was a splendid Ilyushin.
*My dog fell off the ferry but managed to land on a round floaty thing. There's a good buoy.
*I wonder what they did for fun in the Pleistocene era? Surely it can't all have been making little model dinosaurs.
*A guy babbled at me in French. I caught the words "fatty" and "gay." After giving him a good telling-off I thought he looked really tired.
*It's a crisis! No mascara on Valentine's Day. The violin case is empty too.
*I attended a college class in the St Louis arch. That was a steep learning curve.
*My brother has low self-esteem. I'd feel sorry for him if he wasn't such a total loser.
*Q. What do Captain Archer's dog in Star Trek, a scent for men and a Greek mountain have in common? A. D'Artagnan (the 3 Musketeers' names).
*I'm suffering from an untweetable condition - the inability to refer to that Welsh village with the longest name - Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgo...
*Ever stop the microwave timer with one second to go so you can be like a member of the bomb squad? It's a practical for the Big Bang Theory.
*I had to quit as a volunteer on the mental health charity hotline. I was getting too many hang-ups.
*Feeling lycanthropic today. Wolfed down breakfast and decided to adopt two boys and call them Romulus and Remus. When in Rome ...
*The postmen in Venice, Italy, are always wringing, not just twice. Being grabbed by the gondoliers can't be good for them either.
*All the world's a stage. So why won't Wells Fargo give me a job riding shotgun?
*Every crisis is an opportunity. This guy was having an epileptic fit in the bath so I threw in some washing.
*So I objected when this guy almost ran over the front of my foot in his car. I had to explain to him that I'm lack toes intolerant.
*I think I've downloaded myself into a Sherlock Holmes program. I've spent all day making deductions, a lot of them from my bank account.
*Q. What's got three heads, two tails and ten legs? A. Guy on a horse carrying a dog.
*You've got to give me credit for always paying cash.
*My New Year revolution begins with a coup, quickly followed by another coup. That's the first coup-coup of the year and it's only January.
*When my novel is being reviewed I don't want justice, I want mercy.
*I've been told I may have Cartesian Dualism. Sounds painful but it boils down to Bobmoc - Body off Baywatch, mind off Crimewatch.
*I hired a self-drive van. Then I sat in the front and waited ... and waited ...
*Some of my readers must be kleptomaniacs. They take everything literally.
*I've just had a C & W song written about me. That's the last time I rescue a puppy from an old abandoned mine shaft.
*I saw my old tooter today. Not a misspell. He'd toot at me driving past on his moped shouting "great tits." He's a scooter hooter tooter!
*I don't like Mustard. Ever since he came at me in the library with a candlestick.
*I have to recalibrate the tachyon emitters or the ship will be trapped in sub-space. Only one problem - what are tachyon emitters?
*Since joining the twitsphere I feel like I'm in my elementary.
*The dentist couldn't freeze my mouth as I'd taken the precaution of gritting my teeth (an old Roads Service trick!).
*I've been listening to the innovative jazz music coming from my printer. The paper has been jamming again.
*I am currently helping an elephant to research his ancestry. It's a mammoth task!
*I've been to umpteen shoe-repairers. None of them would re-boot my computer. That's just cobblers for you!
Earth moving events
*Darwin Day - all this fuss over a small Australian town. It's not as if anything will become of it, not in a million years.
*If today is 11.12.13 at a quarter past two I'm going to have a flush whether it's in the rules or not!
*Congratulations to Canada on the Olympic women's hockey gold medal, but how come they got a 2 minute penalty for "too many men on the ice?"
*Most professional tennis players are witches, you know. Goran, even he's a witch.
*I'm trying to stop the edge of my book from curling. It's just not getting to watch any of the Winter Olympics.
*A hippopotamus goes into a nightclub with a gym instructor and a life coach. The manager says: "You can't come in here with those trainers."
*Of course they play women's cricket in the Mikado. Tit willow, tit willow, tit willow.
*There are a couple of badgers in the garden, each having a beautiful home. They can also beat me at tennis with two sets to love.
*You start off as a Shakespearian character and end up being slapped around an ice rink. Boy, did that King Lear guy have it rough.
*I'd been punched three times before I remembered it was Boxing Day. Sorry, that was the punch line!
*Couldn't we cross the Hunger Games with the Highland Games and have swallowing the caber? That would be a gag-fest.
Food and drink
*I keep getting text messages asking me to ring Tequila or Sambuca. Why should I be the one to call the shots?
*While contemplating Madeira I chanced on a Battenberg. It was better than sex. Sometimes you can't resist a good fornicake.
*Went into my local bar and asked for a double entendre. I thought the barman said he'd give me one but maybe it was just the drink talking.
*My inner mermaid tells me it's fish for tea. Thereby hangs a tail.
*Tip of the day: coat your nipples with honey. This is a sweet teat treat tweet. Merry Xmas.
*Have you heard of the new television channel with shows only about sauces? It's called Ketchup TV!
*It's a bit rough in the Ukraine, isn't it? You wouldn't get me going there. I'm too chicken for Kiev at the moment.