Suki Jensen-Ramirez
Suki Jensen-Ramirez

Medieval mayhem

Another string to my bow – So here I am in 14th Century England and don’t ask me how I got here, right? It’s artistic licence or too much white wine or maybe just a dream fantasy sequence. Whatever it is I’ve got a feather in my cap and I’m obviously good with arrows so don’t rock my boat, OK?

Raven spoiler – This raven has just told me what is going to happen in the first three episodes of Series Five of “Game of Thrones.” It was out of him before I had a chance to stop him and no, I’m not going to tell you.

Dragon Mistress – No matter how much armour you wear it’s important to always leave a gap for your cleavage. That way the enemy know you’re a girl and will not waste their time and effort fighting you. It means you survive the battle and look pretty at the same time. The grim reaper can go sing for his supper.

White Crystal Wielder – The bow, the arrows, the raven plus all those leather straps and shiny gemstones. Am I sure this is still the 14th Century and not target shooting at Alton Towers?

Mistress of the Ten Kingdoms – Cool, calm, collected and ready to whack the ass off anyone who gets in her way. Obedience and respect are just right at home.

Always show the cleavage – Here’s another tits-in-armour kinda gal. At least you can guess where to find the key to her chastity belt.

Silver Lady take my word – Great to be able to admire your reflection while she carves you up with that sword. Those knockers will distract you from any slim chance you might have of landing a blow on her unguarded flanks.

A little designer magic – A lot of thought has gone into this outfit. Bring me the sexiest suit of armour you can find, Squire. Jade and gold shall be my themes for this evening, I reckon. This is the armourial equivalent of a baby-doll nightie.

Until death do us part – It looks like she’s fed up opening letters and has decided to murder her boss instead. A bit fast and loose with the sealing wax, too.

Another night on the tiles – These butterflies are following me everywhere! Even at the top of the cathedral among the gargoyles I am not safe from them. Can’t a girl get any peace in medieval land?

It can’t get any hotter – So you have to fight fire with fire, they said. I knew it was going to be hot so bikini-armour was definitely required. The sword is obviously fresh from the blacksmith’s but I’m not sure about the chiffon cloak. It looks a tiny bit flammable to me.

Distraction tactics – You put a beautiful girl with massive tits at the front to lead your battle line and, while the opposition are pfaffing about wondering what they should do with her, your key soldiers in the second line come in and carve them up. Simples!

Warrior Queen Suki – Oh, that sword resting on my back is sharp. I hope it doesn’t cut into my hair back there. You’ve got to make a good impression on your troops.

Someday my Prince will come – This is somehow much more me – waiting in the boudoir to be ravished by a handsome stranger. I’ve dispensed with the armour and am relying on jewellery to do the job. Anyone for a grape?

Open to offers – Could it get any more blatant than this? Come and get me! You don’t have to be a Prince. I’ll settle for a baron or an earl or even a simple knight will do.

The fighting Sukis – Ah, I’m in warrior mode again. I got fed up waiting and decided to go out and do some raping and pillaging (mostly pillaging). The Celtic mists are closing in around me. I blame the swamp gas myself.

A root and branch review – Yes, this place needs a thorough going-over. I’d tackle the task if I didn’t have this overwhelming feeling that something is holding me back.

Slave girl awaits – Meanwhile, back at the Castle my slave girl waits for my return. She’s ever so dedicated this one. Knows exactly what I want to see first when I walk into the room.

The maidens are not so helpless – She can handle a sword as well as the best of them. She may be lurking in the cloisters now but given half a chance I reckon she’d be out there slaying dragons like a professional.

Anxious moments – These pesky butterflies again. You’re not even safe in a graveyard. Is it my deodorant that’s attracting them?

A sad winter – Got rid of the butterflies but now it’s thunder and lightning and those branches are after me again too. No rest for the wicked!

It gives her comfort – She’s holding onto a sword handle when I think she’d really rather be grasping something else that’s phallic. She’s not the only one!

Women-at-arms – This is the uniform I designed for my Castle guard. They’re all women so it had to be something stylish, yet sexy. Light as a feather and no protection whatsoever against a sword, arrow or lance, but it looks good on the battlements and that’s what counts in my view.

Take no prisoners – The mist has been clearly getting up her nose as well. Great tits and pussy should see her come through the mayhem unscathed.

Where are you? – She’ll do some damage to the enemy if she ever finds them. They’re out there somewhere, honey. Keep looking!

Who’s for the chopper? – Danish mercenaries, eh? Always wanting to make fresh bacon and ham sandwiches. When they have a particular desire they do axe nicely for it though.

These tits mean a lot – When you want to cop a feel no armour in the world is going to stand in your way. Mind you, the leather does set them off well, doesn’t it?

Teaching the peasants new things – Dressing up as a monk so you could get your hands on the simple village girls was a favourite pastime in the 14th Century. I’m no exception, though I think my outfit here has been strongly influenced by the Scary Movie franchise.

Relaxing before battle – It’s so difficult to decide which suit of armour to wear and the metal does dig into one’s pussy something rotten.

The noble quest for pussy – The holy grail for a medieval night was the relentless search for unsheathed pussy.

One knight with you – Once the prized pussy had been found it must be savoured for the entire evening.

Please don’t go – The day of the battle dawns and a wistful maiden makes one last plea to her beloved warrior not to leave her. I don’t think I’m a big fan of the 14th Century. Give me the present day every time. I wonder what present I shall get today.

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Suki Jensen-Ramirez




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