Suki Jensen-Ramirez
Suki Jensen-Ramirez

Mermaids ahoy!

Suki on a rock – Mermaid Me has decided to stop eating my fellow fish and cause a few shipwrecks instead. As you can see my arms are forming an “X” which equals me not wearing an algae bra. Yes, that could be my future mother-in-law behind me and she scares the shit out of me too.

Tip of the iceberg – Of course, what you see on the surface here does not convey the full impact of what lies beneath. She looks so sweet and inviting but sailors beware! A watery grave awaits.

Submarine sex – If you’ve never fucked a mermaid it’s something you should really do before you die. My advice is to just hold your breath and take the plunge.

Sun blessed – The occasional mermaid will come ashore to sun herself and show off her tits. She’ll happily indulge in oral sex out of the water on condition you go swimming with her afterwards. You may want to give the swimming part a miss though.

Fish for supper – This lucky pirate has landed a couple of beauties. Is he man enough for both of them at once, do you think?

Choice made – It was an easy choice in the end. The one who fisted him the most comprehensively just had to be the winner.

What a catch! – Getting her home may not be so easy I’m afraid. Like me she won’t come quietly either. It’s simpler to pull a bird than to pull a fish.

Cool blondes – These young ladies of the sea seem tempting. However, it’s not seagulls they’ll eat for dinner. It’s most probably you.

Siren alert – Their silver fishtails, sweet songs and flashing manes may draw the fleet onto the rocks but don’t let their beauties beguile you. These sirens will have you screaming for mercy if you fall for their charms.

Waiting for Nemo – Just below the surface they lurk like sharks ready to bite. Scarlet billows start to spread...

Ganging up – The magnificent seven they may be but unless you’re a Mexican village you should probably pass.

Pleasure beach – A single mermaid by herself on land may not seem much of a threat but remember if you fall in love with her she can shed her tail, develop legs and follow you home in the nude. How embarrassing is that?

Quiet dip – She’ll tell you that she was washing her hair in the nude and the fish part just happened before you arrived. If you believe that you’ll believe anything.

Stranded on shore – You’ve got to feel sorry for the ones who seem stranded like baby seals on the shore. You can afford to be kind to this one. She’s just me all over.

End of the rainbow – Beware of mermaids in bras. Probably products of Disney they’ve got U certificates and, although they won’t eat you, they won’t have sex with you either.

Fish cakes – I think this little lady is about to shed her tail and walk out of the pool in just her fishnet tights and her halter-neck. On your head be it!

Fish out of water – This model mermaid and tattooist’s girlfriend has her own buoyancy aids. She might be Finnish too. Avoid!

No more sailors – She’s run out, having stripped the ship of its crew. Well, what did you expect? It was the Marie Celeste after all.

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Suki Jensen-Ramirez




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