Of course I’d wear this “Owl Girl” outfit to a party. It would have to have a “Game of Thrones” theme though.
*He asked me if I was into casual sex but I said in his case he'd better wear a tuxedo and even then I might need a rain check.
*I asked a friend in Scotland over the phone to get me some tartan make-up. She thought I was joking but it was tartin' make-up I wanted.
*As this is my birthday I decided to come to work in my birthday suit. I'm only 28 so it's all in front of me. (And yea, I work from home.)
Avatar me has had a flying lesson. I'm ready to punch the pilot and take over the joystick. Sorry, I mean aviator me.
It's going to take more than a couple of hours hanging about in the gym to get rid of that beer belly, honey.
Did you know that reading "The Pussy Pendulum" in this position may help give you the ass of the century? Me neither.
*Chinese whispers are great. I've just heard about Noel's aardvark saving his family from drowning. Animals, two by two, pulled them ashore.
*Megan Fox is like a farmer's wife - out standing in her field.
*The more I see my latest Ex the more I think that nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
This is a really lovely chick with a great pussy.
When it came to the interior design of my Nissen hut I've gone for an aircraft theme.
*I met an articulated lorry driver the other day. He was a skilled wordsmith and danced verbal rings round me.
You see a guy that you like at a party, what's the first thing you do? Yeah, me too!
*When he saw me sitting beneath a tree in Portrush my Mexican friend said I was "the bitch under the beech near the beach.” Confusing or what?
*They're thinking of making the CCTV in my apartment building "Pay Per View." I will keep wearing those skimpy dresses.
*I think I may have a future as a cat whisperer. Give me an unruly cat, I whisper to it and it completely ignores me. A good sign, right?
*Have you seen Charlotte Rampling? How does she do it? I couldn't rample to save my life.
I’m just preparing for a clit oral. A little rub helps me get up to speed and then I can freewheel in for a comprehensive service.
*In my hotel in Spain I found a bottle of orange in a bucket of molasses. I couldn't stop thinking about the oily Fanta in the room.
*Has the French constitution a clause whereby every film made after a certain date has to have Gerard Depardieu in it? I want his agent.
He asked me if I'd like to marry Archie. When I said I didn't know him he and his Mexican buddies played me a guitar medley. No idea why.
*So this friend said he wanted to join the Terracotta Army. I asked if he thought he could cope with the kiln. I guess he's pottery already.
*Q. What's corny and slaughters thousands? A. Attila the Pun.
*So this German guy says: "Generally people who don't say much are lacking in humanity." I replied: "I'll hef you shot for saying zet."
*This guy told me: "You look lovely today." I replied: "So you're saying I looked crap yesterday. Tomorrow I'm Godzilla's sister? What?"
I can never quite make up my mind which of these roles in life is mine. I do like to confidently forge ahead but I also like pulling off a beautiful girl’s panties with my teeth.
*I told him I had an "I'll-suck-it-and-see" approach to life. He's been ever so friendly since then.
*Every time I get into my mom's Mercedes I get stomach cramps. I appear to have the Mercedes bends.
*I'm thinking of writing a book all about the French word for "What" - "Quel." I suppose that I'll call it "The Book of Quels."
*If you can put together a long string of things in your head you could get a grant for it - from "Fund a mental list" groups.
*I watched her dancing naked round her mobile. She has one of those pagan-as-you-go phones.
Of course I’ll park my bicycle there next time, honey sweetheart. Are those flowers your breakfast or are you giving them to me?
*He said he'd be back in 2 seconds. It was a half an hour. I told him if that was his concept of 2 seconds we should make love.
I'm a model so the fact that I'm viewed as a sex object by some people is purely subjective. I never object when sex is the subject.
*He said that I didn't know the meaning of the word "irony" which was ironic as we were both eating fish and chips at the time.
*There were men fighting each other with swords on the open road. Yes, that's right. It was a duel carriageway.
*I met a guy this week called Mike Hunt. Any woman who names her son after a part of her anatomy certainly deserves a monologue in my view.
*If you want a Brazilian do you have to go all the way to Rio? I have the yellow t-shirt and the tan already.
*Stanley married my cousin Rebecca in England and from then on has been known as Us Becky's Stan.
*Twins Anne and Constance are the owners of Irish airline Aer Lingus. I think I prefer Connie Lingus to Annie Lingus but they're both fun.
Fresh from the shower my thoughts inevitably turn to the state of the stock market … No, they don’t, silly. I just start wondering who will fuck me next.
*He said he pictured me standing next to a small clump of trees. I said he could do me in oils provided that I wasn't framed by the copse.
*Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: "I hope you can work the gun turret because I've enough to do driving this bloody thing."
*I’m coveting my neighbour's new blinds. Yes, I'm jealous of her jalousies.
*If my writing stimulates people to have sex does that mean that I'm bed whetting?
Ah, the “Pussy Pendulum” effect is at work again. No sooner have these girls pored over a few chapters in their local bookshop than they are experimenting with a lesbian threesome. The pen is indeed mightier than the vibrator, it seems.
*There they were with their placards - "Death to everyone but us," "We hate whore's," "Go back to Lesbia." It sure livens up a book-signing.
Part One of our mission is complete. Now we must throw her to the lesbians!
*I'm saving up for an herbaceous border. It's going to come out of my hedge fund.
This is clearly a subliminal attempt to get you to read “The Pussy Pendulum,” the most erotic novel of the century. Of course, you will not allow yourself to be fooled by such a cheap hypnotic trick. Nevertheless, as you look into this girl’s eyes you are feeling drowsy… soon you will sleep… then you will awake with but one desire …
The Pussy Pendulum retro-look courtesy of the Italian Forestry Commission.
Fun in the park will never quite be the same since “Pussy Penduluming” became the latest trendsetting craze.
Spontaneously worldwide young naked girls are hanging like a pendulum from just about anywhere you can imagine. It’s the new type of “swinging” which is set to become bigger than the hula hoop, sexier than Gangnam style and more satisfying than conventional maritime activities like plain sailing.
The new type of blossom you could well find hanging from the trees in your garden – “The Pussy Pendulum.”