Willing victim – Yes, the village virgin has been chained up at the main gate with some garlic as her only protection against the marauding vampires of the region. She volunteers for the job regularly, it seems, and judging by the size of those tits she’s unlikely to stay a virgin for very long, if she ever was one at all.
Did someone mention tits – “Mine are bite-sized and ready. There’s enough there to get your circulation going. Rich and full-bodied, that’s my blood type alright.”
Slave girl – Some people are hypnotised by the vampire and become their slaves, particularly useful when minding coffins during the hours of daylight.
Bite me – There are those, of course, who actually want to be bitten so that they can become vampires themselves. She’s got it pretty well taped, I reckon.
Time of the month – The full moon brings out the cravings in some vampires and when it coincides with their period, well, anything can happen.
I want a lie-in – It’s difficult getting up in the mornings at the best of times but when you’ve been out most of the night partying it’s a real bugger.
Bad hair night – “Alas, my stylist is no more. He ran out of my favourite colour purple so I had to let him go. I was flying at three hundred feet at the time.”
Problem period – Yes, another vampire with issues over her monthly cycle. Still, tomato soup’s back on the menu in the castle canteen.
Milk of kindness – “So much for your kind milk. I pour it over my shoulder and it drains away into dust. Ha, ha, ha! Did that laughter sound evil to you? It was my evil laugh. I’ve been practising with Christopher Lee tapes.
I don’t need a dentist – “What do you mean I’ve got cavities? The only cavities around here will soon be in your neck, honey.”
Forgotten bra again – “Once more I put on dress and forget to put on bra first. It’s always the same – a last minute rush to get dressed for dinner when dinner she has not yet arrived due to doctor’s appointment.”
Feeling cross – “See, when it’s upside down it don’t burn your tongue nor nothing. I could lick it all night and feel no discomfort at all. That’s generations of breeding that is.”
Source of life – “Some people like to bite neck, but me I prefer penis where blood collect ready for drink. Is good, no? Sunlight? No, is not sunlight. Is lighting for film set. Got to have, how you say it … cover story.”
He’s mine – “Keep away, Van Helsing/Peter Cushing creature. Vampire leader is mine. You not have. Understand?”
Sausages – “It’s always the same when Marlene does the cooking. She gets all tangled up in the sausages and it’ll be well after midnight afore we gets anything.”
Red-eye problem – Stop taking selfies with that camera, sweetheart. You know the red-eye correction button doesn’t bleedin’ work.”
I’m your vampire for tonight – “I’ve got the outfit and I’ll get the teeth fitted later. Now, three guesses as to what I want you to do.”
Ever been to Newtownards? – “The toast is ready and I’ve already sampled the beans as you can see. Let the revelry begin, my beauties.”
Nightie night – “Who’s for the first nibble? These tits are electrically charged tonight, hens.”
Bugs Bunny’s sister – “What are you rabbiting on about, girl? This is no ordinary night club, you know? I’m the queen and you’ll do what I say, if you want to see the mornin’.”
Dinner time – “You’re the main course, babe. I never snack between meals.”
We fancied a bite – “Can two lassies no have a wee cuddle in the middle of the night without you lot jumpin’ to conclusions? We’re both a wee bit peckish, as it happens.”
Think of England – “That’s it, dear. Lie back and think of England while I just get stuck into your diddies.”
Messy eater – “We’re usually much more careful with the ketchup bottle. Aren’t we, Daphne? Those chicken breasts are just so good!”
She’s tit, I’m ass – “Yea, we each have our own speciality. Like, she is definitely a breast person, while I’m more of an ass aficionado.”
Lesbos R Us – Why do you think it is that so many female vampires are lesbians? Well, they can’t see their own reflections in the mirror, so instead they see themselves in other women. It’s a kind of narcissistic self-love at the end of the day. They see their own reflection which becomes the object of their desire. You could say they’ve gone and fucked themselves.
Vampire medic – “It’s okay. I’m from the Black Cross. Was the injury confined to your breast area, do you think?”
Vampire cryptic clue – “Oh, it seems to have spread to your lips and your pussy. I’ll have to administer first aid with my associate here. She is a fully qualified nudist, by the way.”
Vampire trio – “We’ll just check over each of our breasts again just to be sure we haven’t missed anything. “Better safe than sorry” is our motto.”
Vampire kiss – “The problem seems to be clearing up nicely. I do appreciate your positive feedback too.”
Vampires speak in tongues – “Tits and tongues are “A” OK, ladies. Thank you for being with Vampires Anonymous.”