Suki Jensen-Ramirez
Suki Jensen-Ramirez


A selection of thoughts and images to tickle your fancy.

We love to intertwine you.


*My friend Will told me he was out for a walk when he was suddenly surrounded by pussy. Will! Ow! Punctuation, eh? You can't trust it.

*Hugged my mom Linda today. She squeezed me until I was almost out of toothpaste. Nicest 20 minutes I've spent all week.

*Ever get the feeling that you're always swimming upstream in fizzy orange? Maybe life is just one big Fanta sea. Try Coke for a better tan.

*He told me he felt a bit off-colour so I poured a tin of white paint over him and agreed. I just have a natural empathy with people I guess.

*He said he wanted "the girlfriend experience" so I told him to give me his credit card and spend the day with me in Harrods.


Irrefutable proof that sex and shopping are one and the same thing.

*An Irish gypsy woman refused to accept payment in travellers' cheques. Yet when I put a clothes-peg on each nipple it satisfied her totally.

 *My new friend is a Chinese police photographer but he's really stupid. He discovered me - Photo cop Ying - my ass.

*Those leisurely strolls across the Plaza north of Dublin are beginning to take their toll. Luckily I always have the correct change handy.

*Overheard at McCool's - Girl 1: "Have you been in Bar Refaeli in Ibiza?" Girl 2: "No, but I managed three fingers in LA."

*He said he was in logistics. Ooohh! Brainy IT type, I thought. Interesting. Turns out he's a lorry driver. Could do with a lift, I suppose.

*Wore a sexy nurse outfit for my elderly neighbour's birthday. Got some funny looks in the cardiac ward but they say he's out of danger now.

*It's not the intra-uterine device I object to. It's that they got specially trained beavers to build it. Dam - that fur tickles.

A cold nose on a hot clit to tantalise. Those sniffer dogs can pick a pungent pussy at a hundred paces. Down, boy.

*Q. How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

  A. 29 - 1 in a short skirt to go up the ladder and 28 to find 1 in a short skirt.

*She was Irish and a witch and unkind to me for at least an hour. It was my green witch mean time.

*I drowned a shamrock today. If it had been a realrock I would have waited to see if it floated instead of holding it down.

*So I saw this guy lying on the pavement covered in mozzarella, olives, ham, mushrooms and green peppers. I think he may have topped himself.

*Can't you just eat yog without the poor thing having to be hurt too? I call it "Suki-licious."

The Isle of Man is nice at this time of year.

*None of the Belfast Giants should be on Twitter. There are too many characters in the team.

*Girl in a bar said she wanted my labia as a bangle. I told her I didn't care what pop group she was in, if it came to fisticuffs so be it. I said she should get her finger out and kiss me on both cheeks like a regular person's greeting.

*I've been labelled an "objet d'art." Guess that means I'm fast and to the point. No oil painting though.

*Went into a Pizza Hut and ordered a cheeseburger pizza and Pepsi. Pretty cheesy, eh? Needed a doggy box when I got cheesed off.

There are better ways to eat pussy, sweet cheeks. Chopsticks you won’t need.

*I told him I used to be a hooker until I learned to keep my head still, my grip firm and my arm straight.

*Q. How many bi-girls does it take to change a light bulb?

  A.Two - to make out while the guy we got to fix the light watches.


Do I know you, babe? Of course, I’ll sign your copy.

*I wanted to say that I love all my Twitter followers, apart from the ugly ones obviously. And the unpleasant ones ... you know who you are.

*Just back from a few days in Tuna Town. Heading back to Haddock Heaven soon. Wholly mackerel, welcome to the Cod Cave, Catwoman.

*I'm covered in lots of little strands of gold glitter. I may be coming down with tinselitis.

*If you get a Giro d'Italia do you have to spend it all on pizza?

*My girlfriend asked me if I fancied some motorboating. She was so pleased when I said yes that she buried her head in my cleavage.

I thought you were going to give me a real boat with a motor.

*Getting caught by the bill can really hurt. Serves me right for swanning around, I guess.

*Little green alien author lands on Earth and says to first man he sees: "Take me to your reader." The man replies: "How you know I Chinese?"

*I knew a miller once who said he wanted to de-flour me but we could never go out on a date. He always had some run-of-the-mill excuses.

*So how do you actually make a Maltese cross? Throwing him into Valletta harbour has got to be a good start.

*At the request of the CIA Irish police have arrested a group of south-west Dublin musicians on suspicion of being Tallaght Band.

*Then there was the guy who wanted to be published so much that he committed suicide just so he could become a ghost writer.

*OK, I admit I'm a Submissive but I have delusions of grandeur. It means I wear the collar and lead.

Your “Pussy Pendulum” audition is going really well, sugartits. Just don’t swallow the tomato.

*Ever feel you're living in standby mode and someone else has the remote? I'm locked in the S&M club dungeon and they've all gone home again.

*Dermot drives a cab. If his customers are awkward Taxi Dermy makes sure they get stuffed. In the back, in front, sawdust everywhere.

*He told me in an e-mail that his name was Dan German. How was I to know that he's a superhero? Oops, I've given away his secret identity.

*There was a Buddhist in the queue in front of me at Subway today. He said that he wanted them to make him one with everything.

*What a day to find out you're pregnant. No, not me, you. Even if you are a man go and pee on your blue biro at once.

*It really broke my heart when my brother told me that he was an only child. Hey, wait a minute!?!

*This South African guy asked me to give him a message so I sent him down to the corner shop for a loaf of bread. He didn't look too pleased.

*"When they were standing in line waiting for the beauty to be dished out it looks like you got the whole row's share," he said. Bless him. “Somewhere I think you'll find several thousand pretty pissed-off ugly people," he continued. Awwhh! So sweet.

Drinking water has never looked so sexy. Butter just won’t melt in your mouth, will it?

*Went to a party in support of extra-terrestrial life. It was billed as a "Back an Alien" revelry. Not sure why everyone was naked and drunk.

*People say I'm ever ready with a battery of one-liners. Have you had to endure a sell-out AC/DC concert with no mains supply? Electrifying!

*Too hot for the Tropics and almost too hot for the paper - read "The Pussy Pendulum" and smoulder before burning.

Tila Tequila can play me in the movie version of “The Pussy Pendulum” if she wants to.

*In tennis elbow circles my bacchante is legendary.

*Then there was the posh Irish lighthouse-keeper - Sean D'Olier.

*Can the Arabs use bacterian camels to make germ warfare?

*I think I may have that condition where you keep hearing the voice of a young Belgian detective - Tintinitus.

*Eeny, meeny, miney, mo, catch an Afro-Caribbean gentleman by the toe. If he squeals he's just a big girl's blouse so you can let him go.

*I had to stop seeing my psychoanalyst. Our conversations were just getting way too personal.

Tell me again, Ms Ramirez. How often do you get this recurring dream?

*I've been helping out a neighbour by breastfeeding her son. I don't know what will happen in October when he goes away to university.

Breastfeeding practice always takes it out of me. But it’s important to get it right, isn’t it?

*Re-cycling and I know that race is an issue but ride me on whatever stage you like skin-tight lycra just does not suit everybody.

*I had a ploughman for lunch today. Very tasty he was too and so like Eric Cantona. I almost choked on the Kronenbourg though.

*With interstellar travel we will have to evolve a third ear (to hear in a vacuum), probably on our foreheads. Space, the final front ear.

*Guys who pinch my bottom actually give me a headache. It's like you Tarzan, mi-graine!

Sorry, Michelle. I think you’re too old to play me in the movie, no matter how good your martial arts skills are.

*Whenever I smile at my next-door neighbour he looks like he's in transit between Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

*I like a man to dominate me. Just as long as he does whatever I tell him.

*So this Italian guy in London tried to sell me a river dirt cheap. I knew there was no way he owned the Thames and so I waved him goodbye.

*If I said it's "goodtobebad" (like me) would someone let me drive their Jaguar?

Ever bit off more than you can chew? People who know what they want should just go for it. You want a stallion, then a stallion is what you get.

*I heard that a blonde pop singer shot some tennis and cricket officials. It must have been Duffy the Umpire Slayer.

*Why is it that an election special on Chinese TV always gets a huge audience percentage share compared to one here?

*My novel "The Pussy Pendulum" has no connection with the new porn movie of the same title, apart from all the bondage and wild sex, that is.

Oh, shock, horror! “The Pussy Pendulum” is a naughty piece of erotic splendour, a bit like yourself, honey.

*Nicki Minaj is so hot and cute in "The Other Woman." The perfect decorative secretary - I want her butt.

So what if your dress is on back to front, pool goddess. I’d still go for a Minaj of whatever.

*I told him to put the cat out which he shouldn't have set on fire in the first place. Later he was humanely put down. The cat is doing well.

Manga Me seems to have much more fun than I do but just because I love being double-teamed it doesn’t make me a cum dumpster. You can only yank my chain so far.
No modern home is complete without the convenient Suki umbrella stand – holds up to three umbrellas. Get the easy-to-assemble IKEA flat-pack version for best results.
Hey, the Andrex twins are a real blessing, you know. So fanny friendly. They can turn a nail-painting party into a full-blown cum frenzy.
If anyone asks we’ve gone fisting for the weekend. Sure hope we don’t catch anything. Did the twins remember to rinse out with the Listerine post-anal pre-kissing?
It seems the whole village gets excited during Girl Scout Fundraising Week! Stocks are on the way up.
Welcome to Pussy Pendulum Island. She just does that for the tourists but yes, they do have a McDonalds.
There’s a pussy pendulum attached to each holiday chalet on Pussy Pendulum Island.
There is no dress code on the Island. You can wear any kind of necklace you like.
These new arrivals are taken into custody as they were unaware that green panties and yellow bras are illegal on Pussy Pendulum Island. So there is a dress code after all. Who knew?
That's butter. Everyone is strictly legal again and it is an all-girl island retreat.

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Suki Jensen-Ramirez




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