*My friend Will told me he was out for a walk when he was suddenly surrounded by pussy. Will! Ow! Punctuation, eh? You can't trust it.
*Hugged my mom Linda today. She squeezed me until I was almost out of toothpaste. Nicest 20 minutes I've spent all week.
*Ever get the feeling that you're always swimming upstream in fizzy orange? Maybe life is just one big Fanta sea. Try Coke for a better tan.
*He told me he felt a bit off-colour so I poured a tin of white paint over him and agreed. I just have a natural empathy with people I guess.
*He said he wanted "the girlfriend experience" so I told him to give me his credit card and spend the day with me in Harrods.
*An Irish gypsy woman refused to accept payment in travellers' cheques. Yet when I put a clothes-peg on each nipple it satisfied her totally.
*My new friend is a Chinese police photographer but he's really stupid. He discovered me - Photo cop Ying - my ass.
*Those leisurely strolls across the Plaza north of Dublin are beginning to take their toll. Luckily I always have the correct change handy.
*Overheard at McCool's - Girl 1: "Have you been in Bar Refaeli in Ibiza?" Girl 2: "No, but I managed three fingers in LA."
*He said he was in logistics. Ooohh! Brainy IT type, I thought. Interesting. Turns out he's a lorry driver. Could do with a lift, I suppose.
*Wore a sexy nurse outfit for my elderly neighbour's birthday. Got some funny looks in the cardiac ward but they say he's out of danger now.
*It's not the intra-uterine device I object to. It's that they got specially trained beavers to build it. Dam - that fur tickles.
*Q. How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 29 - 1 in a short skirt to go up the ladder and 28 to find 1 in a short skirt.
*She was Irish and a witch and unkind to me for at least an hour. It was my green witch mean time.
*I drowned a shamrock today. If it had been a realrock I would have waited to see if it floated instead of holding it down.
*So I saw this guy lying on the pavement covered in mozzarella, olives, ham, mushrooms and green peppers. I think he may have topped himself.
*Can't you just eat yog without the poor thing having to be hurt too? I call it "Suki-licious."
*None of the Belfast Giants should be on Twitter. There are too many characters in the team.
*Girl in a bar said she wanted my labia as a bangle. I told her I didn't care what pop group she was in, if it came to fisticuffs so be it. I said she should get her finger out and kiss me on both cheeks like a regular person's greeting.
*I've been labelled an "objet d'art." Guess that means I'm fast and to the point. No oil painting though.
*Went into a Pizza Hut and ordered a cheeseburger pizza and Pepsi. Pretty cheesy, eh? Needed a doggy box when I got cheesed off.
*I told him I used to be a hooker until I learned to keep my head still, my grip firm and my arm straight.
*Q. How many bi-girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A.Two - to make out while the guy we got to fix the light watches.
*I wanted to say that I love all my Twitter followers, apart from the ugly ones obviously. And the unpleasant ones ... you know who you are.
*Just back from a few days in Tuna Town. Heading back to Haddock Heaven soon. Wholly mackerel, welcome to the Cod Cave, Catwoman.
*I'm covered in lots of little strands of gold glitter. I may be coming down with tinselitis.
*If you get a Giro d'Italia do you have to spend it all on pizza?
*My girlfriend asked me if I fancied some motorboating. She was so pleased when I said yes that she buried her head in my cleavage.
*Getting caught by the bill can really hurt. Serves me right for swanning around, I guess.
*Little green alien author lands on Earth and says to first man he sees: "Take me to your reader." The man replies: "How you know I Chinese?"
*I knew a miller once who said he wanted to de-flour me but we could never go out on a date. He always had some run-of-the-mill excuses.
*So how do you actually make a Maltese cross? Throwing him into Valletta harbour has got to be a good start.
*At the request of the CIA Irish police have arrested a group of south-west Dublin musicians on suspicion of being Tallaght Band.
*Then there was the guy who wanted to be published so much that he committed suicide just so he could become a ghost writer.
*OK, I admit I'm a Submissive but I have delusions of grandeur. It means I wear the collar and lead.
*Ever feel you're living in standby mode and someone else has the remote? I'm locked in the S&M club dungeon and they've all gone home again.
*Dermot drives a cab. If his customers are awkward Taxi Dermy makes sure they get stuffed. In the back, in front, sawdust everywhere.
*He told me in an e-mail that his name was Dan German. How was I to know that he's a superhero? Oops, I've given away his secret identity.
*There was a Buddhist in the queue in front of me at Subway today. He said that he wanted them to make him one with everything.
*What a day to find out you're pregnant. No, not me, you. Even if you are a man go and pee on your blue biro at once.
*It really broke my heart when my brother told me that he was an only child. Hey, wait a minute!?!
*This South African guy asked me to give him a message so I sent him down to the corner shop for a loaf of bread. He didn't look too pleased.
*"When they were standing in line waiting for the beauty to be dished out it looks like you got the whole row's share," he said. Bless him. “Somewhere I think you'll find several thousand pretty pissed-off ugly people," he continued. Awwhh! So sweet.
*Went to a party in support of extra-terrestrial life. It was billed as a "Back an Alien" revelry. Not sure why everyone was naked and drunk.
*People say I'm ever ready with a battery of one-liners. Have you had to endure a sell-out AC/DC concert with no mains supply? Electrifying!
*Too hot for the Tropics and almost too hot for the paper - read "The Pussy Pendulum" and smoulder before burning.
*In tennis elbow circles my bacchante is legendary.
*Then there was the posh Irish lighthouse-keeper - Sean D'Olier.
*Can the Arabs use bacterian camels to make germ warfare?
*I think I may have that condition where you keep hearing the voice of a young Belgian detective - Tintinitus.
*Eeny, meeny, miney, mo, catch an Afro-Caribbean gentleman by the toe. If he squeals he's just a big girl's blouse so you can let him go.
*I had to stop seeing my psychoanalyst. Our conversations were just getting way too personal.
*I've been helping out a neighbour by breastfeeding her son. I don't know what will happen in October when he goes away to university.
*Re-cycling and I know that race is an issue but ride me on whatever stage you like skin-tight lycra just does not suit everybody.
*I had a ploughman for lunch today. Very tasty he was too and so like Eric Cantona. I almost choked on the Kronenbourg though.
*With interstellar travel we will have to evolve a third ear (to hear in a vacuum), probably on our foreheads. Space, the final front ear.
*Guys who pinch my bottom actually give me a headache. It's like you Tarzan, mi-graine!
*Whenever I smile at my next-door neighbour he looks like he's in transit between Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
*I like a man to dominate me. Just as long as he does whatever I tell him.
*So this Italian guy in London tried to sell me a river dirt cheap. I knew there was no way he owned the Thames and so I waved him goodbye.
*If I said it's "goodtobebad" (like me) would someone let me drive their Jaguar?
*I heard that a blonde pop singer shot some tennis and cricket officials. It must have been Duffy the Umpire Slayer.
*Why is it that an election special on Chinese TV always gets a huge audience percentage share compared to one here?
*My novel "The Pussy Pendulum" has no connection with the new porn movie of the same title, apart from all the bondage and wild sex, that is.
*Nicki Minaj is so hot and cute in "The Other Woman." The perfect decorative secretary - I want her butt.
*I told him to put the cat out which he shouldn't have set on fire in the first place. Later he was humanely put down. The cat is doing well.